Hell Fest (2018) Review

  There’s always something extremely pleasing in sitting back and watching an 80s slasher movie whether it's 'Halloween', 'Tourist Trap', 'Boogeyman', or 'Friday the 13th'.  What makes those films good, at least to me, are the imaginative deaths, a good dose of eye candy, the tension, and the atmosphere. They follow a specific horror formula and it provides you with a highly entertaining film. It may not be a good film, but at least it’s entertaining. That’s not the case for ‘Hell Fest’ because it is neither entertaining nor a good film. 

  It’s Halloween and six teens decide to go to Hell Fest, which is a traveling Halloween carnival. There’s a wide variety of horror based games, rides, mazes, and performances. So it’s basically a traveling Universal Horror Nights. However a masked man who is using Hell Fest to his advantage stalks the group and takes them out one by one. It’s a simple plot for a simple movie.

   How can a film that turns Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights into a slaughterhouse end up so very boring?  It clocks in at 89 minutes, but it feels like I’m watching the Titanic film back to back. I kept looking at my watch only to realize that just twenty minutes had passed. It was a great idea for an entertaining film, but it just kept dragging on.

   Out of the group of friends, I only liked two of them. The rest I found to be the generic bland characters that typically only have small parts in films or in television shows. They have no chemistry with one another. So it’s hard to believe that they’re actually friends. Then watching them do “elaborate” mazes should never be that dull. There was a good kill or two, but the rest were rather repetitive seen it before types of kills. The production design is nice, but not even that can save it from the disappointing script.

    The most disappointing and unforgivable thing about this film was how they used Tony Todd’s character. Well underused is more like it. Tony Todd was the whole reason why I went to see the film in the first place. He was barely in the film for even a minute and it pissed me off beyond belief. You can’t have a horror film and underuse Tony Todd. He’s one of the kings of horror in the film industry. Candyman is my favorite horror film of all time.

    The film was predictable. The characters were unlikable. What was the deal with the killer? I don’t know. No backstory. See the film was not following the horror formula. Hey at least the production design and visuals of the park were nice. Not enough to save the film though. It was a puny dull little slasher film with no substance or entertainment factor. This film should be a lesson to all horror films: DON’T UNDERUSE TONY TODD. Skip it and watch Haunt instead or if you need a Tony Todd fix watch Candyman and Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh.

2 out of 5

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) Review

“It's almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don't miss it. And don't forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It's almost time.”

   'Halloween III: Season of the Witch' is one of the most hated and unappreciated sequels in the history of film. The public was excited to see another Halloween film, but when it came out in 1982 they weren’t happy with the film. Why? Well there was no Michael Myers in it. People almost instantaneously rejected it and loathed it. According to urban legends, the backlash involved fans attacking the screens and demanding the theaters to issue them refunds. Hopefully my review with my reasons on why I personally love this film you’ll give it another shot.

   As any Halloween fan would know, John Carpenter and Debra Hill wanted to make a series of films that took place on Halloween. It was his vision for the Halloween franchise. It was a nice idea for an ongoing horror anthology series. Only one thing: Halloween II brought back Michael Myers, which instantly screwed up Carpenter and Hill’s idea for the series. They tried it anyways with Season of the Witch. If it wasn’t for Halloween II, I believe many would love the film. Imagine how many great Halloween films there would be. There would be no Halloween Resurrection. 

    The film starts off eight days before Halloween with Harry running for his life from men in business suits. He’s holding onto a Silver Shamrock Jack O’ Lantern mask for dear life. He escapes and is taken to the hospital. He’s under the care of Dr. Dan Challis. One of the suits found Harry and murders him in his room. Dan chases after him, but the suit burns himself in his car and it explodes. 

   The next day Ellie, Harry’s daughter, comes to talk with Dan about what happened. The both of them look into why her father was murdered. Their investigation brings them to Santa Mira, California. It’s the home of the Silver Shamrock Novelties Company, owned by a Conal Cochran. The company is responsible for making the Halloween masks that every kid wants. After further investigation they find out that the suits work for Cochran. That Harry found out the secret that Cochran plans to sacrifice all the children who wear their masks. Cochran wants to resurrect ancient witchcraft. The masks contain a pin, which has a microchip. The microchips have fragments of Stonehenge. 

    The performances are great. Tom Atkins plays the likable and charismatic Dr. Dan Challis. He’s a character you can’t help, but to root for. Women love him, but his ex-wife. He likes to drink, but he’s what you call a functioning drunk. Tom Atkins did a wonderful job and I think he’s a highly underrated actor. His performance was solid. 

Tom Atkins perfectly encapsulates if 2020 were a mood.

    Then there’s our antagonist Cochran who plays a great villain. Actually looking back on it, he is probably in my top ten favorite villains. He’s the owner of Silver Shamrock Novelties and is basically running the town of Santa Mira where his company resides.  He has cameras everywhere in town to keep an eye on the townspeople to make sure they do nothing to harm his company. He even gives the town a curfew. When we finally meet him, he comes across as a very polite, charming, and overall a really nice guy. But of course, he’s an evil Druid and his company is simply a front for a Druid witch cult. Throughout the film Cochran is uncannily calm. He never once raises his voice. The most intense he ever got was when he tells Dan what’s his motive for doing it.

“I do love a good joke, and this is the best ever: a joke on the children. But there's a better reason. You don't really know much about Halloween. You thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy. It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we'd be waiting in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal, and the dead might be looking in to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween... the festival of Samhain! The last great one took place three thousand years ago, when the hills ran red with the blood of animals and children.”

    He simply thinks of it as a joke on the children. When Dan manages to escape and turns the microchips against Cochran, but he doesn’t get upset or yell. He simply smiles and claps because he knows he’s already won. Dan O’Herlihy plays Cochran perfectly. It’s a shame he never played a Bond villain. 

    We can’t talk about the film without talking about the music. The music is fantastic and it’s mostly synthesizer. It fits in the film seamlessly, but we can’t talk about the music without that Silver Shamrock jingle. They took the beat from ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ and made it into their very own creepy jingle. It’s upbeat, loud, and just plain aggravating. Even the characters in the film say how annoying that jingle is, but it definitely gets stuck in your head. “Happy, happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Happy, happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!”

    The suspense is on point and its pace is good. You feel that sense of isolation, doom, and that danger is just around the corner. It’s atmospheric with that frightening tone throughout. The film has a very interesting idea on turning the commercialization of Halloween and the television against the consumer. It’s essentially a commentary and criticism of sizable corporations and of consumerism in general. 

    ‘Halloween III: Season of the Witch’ is a remarkable film. If they took out Halloween III from the title and just called it ‘Season of the Witch’ I think the film would have been well liked. It’s a reputable horror film in its own right. I don’t agree with what most of the critics have said about the film that it’s a stupid clichéd horror film. It’s anything, but that. It’s atmospheric, suspenseful, great acting, an unnerving score, and a great ambiguous ending. It’s a highly enjoyable 80’s horror film and you should watch it.

5 out of 5 shamrocks 

Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) Review

“No, of course you don't forget. How could you? You never looked into his face, did you? You never saw his eyes. You never saw that- that nothing, no expression, blank. My memory goes back twelve years to the night I offered... I'm gonna show you- show you something. Look. Look at this! Look at that! I prayed that he would burn in Hell, but in my heart I knew that Hell would not have him.”

   Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers had the lowest box office out of the Halloween franchise. It only made eleven million at the box office. Other than the Rob Zombie Halloween films, this is regarded as the worst Halloween film. While I don’t think it’s the best that goes to Season of the Witch and it’s not the worst in my opinion that would go to either Resurrection or Zombie’s Halloween II. The film has its pros and cons.

   So there’s no surprise that Michael Myers didn’t die at the end of ‘Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers’. Even though he was shot multiple times, fell down a shaft, and had dynamite thrown on him to finish him off. You just can’t kill the man. He escapes and is rescued by an old hermit. Why he saves him after Michael tried to strangle him is beyond me. He wakes up after a year of being in a coma just in time for Halloween.  Myers then does what he does best… kill. 

   I have two big complaints about this entry of the Halloween series. The first is that the killed off Rachel. Rachel was the final girl in IV. Rachel is one of my favorite final girls because of how badass she was. They kill her off as if she’s nothing, but a cameo. It annoyed the hell out of me. What was worse was that they replaced her with Tina who is the most annoying character ever to be in a horror film other than any Tyra Banks role.

    The second complaint is that they essentially just ignore that great shock ending at the end of IV. It suggested that Jamie would become a killer like her uncle. She didn’t even kill her mother like it suggested at the end of the film. Her mother was simply wounded. Now they just make her mute and give her a weird psychic connection with Michael. It’s never really explained why. I never liked that idea of the psychic connection and it simply doesn’t make sense. 

   I don’t know why I liked this film when I was younger. I mean I still like the film to a degree, but it’s low on my Halloween list. It’s still above Resurrection though. I’ll give it to the film it was more grittier with its death, but its run mediocre formula left me wanting more. Revenge of Michael Myers just felt like it was a rushed cash grab. Most of the performances are average at best with the exception of Danielle Harris. Donald Pleasance plays a more mentally unstable Dr. Loomis. 

    The movie makes no sense and just tarnished the set up IV had in store for us. It would have been better if Jamie did in fact have the evil inside her. As my friend Patrick AKA Patricia AKA Ruby Rhod said about this film, “They went full on Bane on them. Crashing this movie with no survivors.” It doesn’t even feel like Carpenter’s original. I loved it when H2O reset the Hallowverse back to after Halloween II, but you’d still have to sit through Halloween VI: Curse of Michael Myers before that happens. Then Halloween 2018 reset the Hallowverse once again, erasing even the second Halloween film. It’s more confusing than the MCU and DCEU timeline. 

2.5 out of 5

Tourist Trap (1979) Review

SPOILER FREE REVIEW

“My brother always makes me wear this stupid mask. Do you know why? Because I'm prettier than him.”

   Tourist Trap is an extraordinarily exceptional film that has remained polarizing to this day. It was one of the first slasher films that included supernatural elements. Originally the film wasn’t a success during its release and was slammed on by the critics. It was shown on television throughout the 80s due to its astonishing PG rating, which lead it to become a cult classic.

    The film starts off as so many low-budget horror films do, a group gets stranded in the middle of nowhere due to flat tire. Woody and his girlfriend break down, Woody decides to wander off to a gas station they passed by earlier to get his tire fixed. When he gets there its abandoned. He checks inside to discover nothing, but trash and mannequins. Somehow a ton of stuff is thrown at him before ultimately getting impaled by a pipe. The rest of group pull in behind Woody’s car where his girlfriend is patiently waiting for Woody to return. Of course their vehicle starts acting up too. A Good Samaritan, played by the Rifleman himself Chuck Connors, comes along to help the group with their car troubles. He offers to drive them to his place where he has parts to help them out. How can they say no to Chuck Connors? They go back with him to Slausen’s Lost Oasis it is somewhat of a wax museum, but mainly a tourist trap. He shows off his wax figures before going back with Jerry to fix the vehicle, leaving the three women behind. Then naturally the slashing begins. That’s all I’ll say so I don’t spoil the film for you.

    Lots of people praise Tourist Trap’s weirdness and unique feel for an early slasher film, but many found it too silly. I loved how weird and unique the film was. You can tell they borrowed elements from the Hammer Horror films like its Gothic atmosphere. It doesn’t appear to be ripping off Halloween. Instead, you can tell that Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie, and Psycho influenced it. The 2005 House of Wax remake is more so a remake on Tourist Trap than of the original 1953 film.

    The acting is actually pretty solid. The characters themselves are actually likeable, which is rare for the genre. You at least want two characters to die off, usually a Paul or Richie. Then there’s Chuck Connors character who is the best thing about the film. He’s just overall quite enjoyable to watch. Connors is definitely the scene-stealer when he appears. The directing was pretty solid too. Then there’s the score by Pino Donaggio, which is just beautiful and to be frank quite weird also. Here’s the main theme for the film.

  Tourist Trap is surprisingly rated PG and it’s still better than most rated R slasher films. How it got a PG rating is beyond me. It was under appreciated in its day and almost forgotten now by many. When I bring it up lots of people didn’t even know that the film exists. It has stood the test of time in my opinion. It’s a classic horror film that you need to watch.

5 out of 5

Haunt (2019) Review

“Do you still want to see my face? Because before you said you wanted to see my face. I was just wondering if you still wanted to see it. It’s a bit of a work in progress, but oh I’ll think you’ll like it.”

   ‘Haunt’ is the perfect watch for this Halloween season. I remember being pleasantly surprised when I first watched it. It takes places at an extreme haunted house attraction, but unlike the previous film I reviewed. It’s not actually haunted, but it does have a group of crazed masked killers. 

   

   Sure this kind of film has been done before, but it’s not as fun as ‘Haunt’. The film doesn’t try to explain itself. Why should it? Its just some college students going to a random haunted house attraction. They just want to be scared. They have to sign liability waivers and surrender their cell phones. I’ve signed many liability waivers for extreme haunted houses, but never had to surrender my cell phone, which I wouldn’t. I’ve seen too many horror films to know that’s just a bad idea. They go through various traps and puzzles before realizing that something is wrong. 

   The masked characters are what make the film for me. There’s a clown, a witch, a vampire, a devil, a zombie, and a ghost named Mitch. Mitch is the most untrustworthy character in the film who offers the group that he can help them out of the attraction. He definitely brought a lot more tension to ‘Haunt’. The best part of the film is when the killers started removing their masks to show their true faces. They looked scarier with the masks off.

   The acting is good, the set up was great, the attraction itself was fun to watch, and it had just the right amount of gore. The suspense is great. It had my attention throughout. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting the film to be as good as it was. I don’t know why it’s getting so much hate. ‘Haunt’ is the proper way to make a slasher film in my opinion. Check it out.

4.5 out of 5

Hell House LLC (2015) Review

    I’ve always disliked the found footage film, unless you count ‘Cannibal Holocaust’. They say it’s supposed to be more immersive. Not to me though. The character of the cameraman is never seen and does idiotic stuff such as watching and filming their friend’s deaths like a sociopath. They’re almost always boring and always include petty arguments that add nothing to the “story”. All the characters are badly written and seem shallower than those couples seen in Hallmark Christmas specials. There’s no music to add to the mood. I’ve always found these type of films to be unprofessional. There’s no time or thought into getting the shots right. All you need is to shake your film violently and there it is. It’s basically a way to make one’s shit film look “artistic”. So when people kept telling me to go watch ‘Hell House LLC’ I rolled my eyes, but nonetheless I watched it.

    ‘Hell House LLC’ is about a group of jerks, who call themselves friends, that go around different areas to make haunted house attractions for Halloween. This time they decided to go with an abandoned hotel in a small town in NY. It looks like everything is going their way, but as it gets closer to opening night weird stuff begins to happen.  

   I’ll start with the things I liked about the film. The main thing being the sets. You get this creepy feeling from the building before anyone ever sets a foot inside it. Satanic paintings on the walls with old bibles scattered across the floor. Then there’s the disturbing clown mannequins that start moving on their own. Why when the characters see the clowns move that they say “we gotta keep going opening night is almost here” is beyond me. I’d be in another country the next day. It sort of felt like the film ‘The Houses October Built’. Lastly, I like the fact that the Hell House LLC is actually two found footage films in one.

   Now, onto what I disliked about the film. As I stated earlier with the found fottage genre I find the characters annoying as hell. Almost every character involved in the preparation of opening the haunted house annoyed me. Throughout the entirety of the film I wanted someone (whether it be ghosts, satanic cult killers, or clown mannequins) to kill off Paul and Danny. Why is everything filmed in the dark? They have lights. Turn them all. Then of course there’s the typical found footage problem. The shaky cam, cutting the camera away just when it gets good, and of course the lack of scares.

   Hell House LLC is a mixed bag. There’s no plot and you just want the majority of the characters to get killed off. Hell House LLC is creepy enough, but the characters just hurt me from actually enjoying the film.

1 out of 5

The Happening (2008) Review

     From director M Night Shyamalan; the man who has brought you one great film with ‘The Sixth Sense’, then two good films with ‘Unbreakable’ and ‘Signs’, followed by two eh films with ‘The Village’ and ‘Lady in the Water’, and then he brought you one of the worst films of all time with ‘The Happening’ until his next two films that were the live action adaptation of ‘The Last Airbender’ and the Will Smith dud ‘After Earth’. At least he sort of redeemed himself with ‘Split’ and ‘Glass’, right? I bet Newsweek is regretting calling him the next Spielberg. Even Spielberg isn’t the next Spielberg, which is sad because a lot of his films now are extremely boring.

   I remember being excited to see this film because the trailers made it actually look good. It was Friday night so it was somewhat crowded. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard on a film that was supposed to be a serious horror film. It was laughable from the acting to the dialogue. Nothing made sense and I walked out upset I spent eight dollars to see such garbage.

   First let us focus on the performances. Every single performance in this film are hollow. Marky Mark plays a high school teacher that delivers perplexed stares at everyone that talks to him. It’s as if he was constipated throughout filming. Every time he talks it seems like he’s asking a question. The way he delivers his lines you’d think the film was actually a comedy. Zooey Deschanel just stares into the camera as if she’s a mannequin. Hell, the plant that Wahlberg talks to is plastic and it still gives a better performance than everyone in the film.

   Second there’s the dialogue. When I say that the dialogue is bad I mean it’s really truly bad. We are talking lines such as the romantic quote “if I have to die I want to die with you”, to the comforting line “I don’t like to show my emotions either”, and lastly one of the creepiest lines ever said with a straight face “We're packing hot dogs for the road. You know hot dogs get a bad rap? They got a cool shape, they got protein. You like hot dogs right? By the way, I think I know what's causing this.” The dialogue is so out there, simplistic, and I really wondered if anyone ever talks like that in real life.

    The acting is terrible and the dialogue even worse. I haven’t talked about the plot twist because there isn’t one. There isn’t even a plot. Plants are killing people by making them commit suicide. I’ll give it to Shyamalan, he’s made the funniest film about mass death you will ever see. Just skip this.

0 out of 5